Bringing Ethan home.

Today I finally got the call that Ethan's remains were ready to be picked up. It was so nice to finally bring him home even though I wanted it to be a different home coming, I wanted him to still be alive. I know this makes me selfish but I just wanted things to work out.

I had made arrangements to put his remains in a candle urn and to also have them in a necklace....I think I made the right choice because they both are very beautiful.

I hope that this is going to help me in this grieving process...things have been really good so far...except for the sleeping.

Here's hoping for a good nights sleep.

Time is going by so fast.

I hate that time goes so fast.

I hate that everyday I think about why I didn't get another opinion for Ethan...and that I had to let him go so fast.

I wait everyday for a phone call telling me my son's remains are ready to be picked up...and when that call doesn't come...I cry. Because I want Ethan near me right now.

Today me and Bruce went out and did some shopping and spent time together...just us.We haven't done that in forever.

For the past few days Connor has been with nana and we have Charles..we have been spending quality time with him and we even planted some flowers.

I am hoping that tomorrow we can go and pick up Ethan's remains so that I can feel somewhat at peace.

The antidepressants are doing the job...but slowly I sometimes find myself in a fog...and I don't like it at all.

Well til next time.

mommy misses you Ethan and I love you very much <3

I miss my baby boy...

When does the hurt stop? I wish you were here Ethan....cause I want you here .
I feel you with me everyday but I wish you were really here.
I ask myself everyday what would have happened if you had the surgery.


Your brothers are doing good ....thank goodness you're watching over them too.
daddy misses you as much as I do and we can't wait until we meet you in heaven.

Love you and miss you every day.

Love mommy

My sweet boy

I miss you alot these days and I feel like giving up sometimes...I wish you were still here in my arms.
We have been spending alot of time with grandpap and Denise...we are going back next weekend to go to
A baseball game you're older brothers are so excited
Well until next time I love and miss you Ethan
Love mommy

I feel so helpless

I have been lost in this grieving process that I haven't been there for my older boys...

Connor scared me to death on Thursday when he had a febrile seizure in front of me.
(he has been sick with what I thought was a cold...he had an upper respitory infection plus an ear infection...he was running high fevers as well...the doctors said the fevers most likely caused the seizure.)

That woke me from the fog I was in....I felt so guilty that I couldn't even think what was happening to my boy...for that I will never forgive myself.

Tomorrow Ethan would have been a month old....I wonder how things would have been if I had gotten the second opinion.

I will try to blog more often..but for now I am going to be spending quality time with my family.

It's getting really hard...

I can't sleep, cause every time I close my eyes I see Ethan.

I know he is well taken care of now but I miss him so much and want him here with me.

Trying to get thru each day is hard. I want to sleep all the time but I have other obligations.

I wish that I had gotten the other second opinion....it might have given Ethan more time. But then that's more time he would have suffered and I feel so guilty for thinking that.

I really need someone that can reassure me that eventually it does get better.

For now, I really miss my Ethan :(

Letter to my Ethan

I had decided to rename this blog after Ethan passed away.

I really miss Ethan so very bad and wish he was still here...he would have been 21 days old...

I will try to blog on here as much as I can...maybe it will help me thru this greiving process..