6 bittersweet months

Yesterday was your 6 month birthday....half a year old. I feel like time has slipped by so very slowly cause it feels just like yesterday that you were born. I am back on medication...taking myself off them too soon was a big mistake. And then this week I have a sinus infection.Great. I started my photography, Ethan you would love my work. I am thinking of taking some of the pictures I have of you and editing them...that way I can see your sweet face everyday. I have your Urn out and I stop by it everyday and tell you I miss you so much..I hope you can hear me in Heaven cause I would give anything in the world to see you right now.

Slowly getting everything done in the house...finally moved our bed into the room..took us forever!

Your older brothers are doing good as well! I feel as if you are with them everyday as well!

Well for now..I am gonna go..it's almost time for bed. I miss you LOTS!

Turn back time.

Oh Ethan I wish I could turn back the clock and be able to hold you in my arms again. Everyday that I want you to be here and be healthy and then I realize you aren't here and you weren't born healthy. You were born with a serious heart condition among other things. Mommy wishes you could have had a decent chance at life. Everytime I hear about a CHD lil one losing his/ her life and gaining there wings I believe you are right there accepting them in Heaven.Found out today my little sister (your aunt Jessica) is having a girl!! I am soo happy for her Jake and Tyler! Oh and we got two precious cats today!!!! Spook and Peanut. I think you would LOVE them.Well sweetheart I am going to go for now....I hope to dream about your beautiful face tonight. <3 mommy.

5 months

Today you would have been 5 months...five long months without you sweetheart is very sad to mommy. I think everyday what you would be doing if you had been given the chance to LIVE. I am going to be posting the video grandpa made for you at your Viewing. I just wish that you were here and in my arms everyday. I wish alot of things...that you were born healthy, that didn't happen. That you had gone through the first surgery, that didn't happen either. But I know you are up there playing and are very healthy. I had a sweet dream of you last night, but it seemed so very real that I woke up and searched all through the house and couldn't find you. The realization that you are gone gets so much harder as time goes by. I miss you baby boy and pretty soon I am getting that dream catcher on my arm so that I have sweet sweet dreams of you every night! I love you sweet baby!

Missing you

So we moved into our new place and I will tell you it's been hectic getting everything organized and getting stuff for the house that I haven't stopped and written to you Ethan. Mommy and daddy made it official, we are now a couple! We hope to make this work...I am thinking you had a hand in that! I am thinking my next tattoo is going to be a dream catcher..because I always see you in my dreams..you are so healthy and peacefull. I can't wait for the day we see you again. Your older brother Charles starts 5th grade on Tuesday at his new school he is very excited!! Connor is to young for head start so we are probably going to put him in daycare a few days a week so mommy and daddy can work. Well I need to get to bed just thought I would update. Miss you sooooooooo much lil guy!

Blog Updates

I have been such the busy bee that I haven't updated my blogs as much.

It's been four long months since I welcomed the sweetest baby and lost him 11 days later...I miss him very much and with me moving to a new state and getting settled in I constantly think of my sweet Ethan and wish he was here to see our new place, but I know for sure he can see it in heaven...so many thoughts rush my head that I am starting to lose my thoughts.

Connor had another seizure and I was told that every time he spikes a fever or gets to hot he will most likely have another seizure....which scares me. I just want my two boys to be completely healthy, but with Charles medical issues and now Connor with his seizures I wonder why I have been given the short stick.

Then I remember that my kids are a blessing and I would NEVER change anything!

I have to go for now I need to get some sleep....cause tomorrow I am unpacking more things.

Bittersweet

So I am packing my house and I came across an ultrasoud of Ethan at 16 weeks gestation...before we knew about the heart defect...before we knew we were having another boy...I started crying because I knew at that point in the pregnancy that he was going to be the last...and now, I totally regret having my tubes tied..because I loved every ultrasound...even after we found out what he had...because I got to see this little tiny person moving around and kicking and most of all seeing and hearing the heartbeat.

Ethan, mommy is so very sorry you had to hurt to live and I wish I could have made it all better so you didn't have to hurt the 11 days you were here on this earth.

I am relieved that you are up in heaven and are there to greet all the little precious babies who have lost the fight against CHD'S. I really miss and love you and know that I will see you again someday.

New Beginings.

Moving to Illinois!

Yep it's true we are moving to Illinois and making a fresh new start.I will miss my family but this has been a decision that has been waiting to be made.

Bruce is there right now getting ready to come down and get us when the time comes
( he found work there and lets just say that finally we will be able to provide the for the boys a lot better now.)

My birthday was kinda sucky cause I have been getting these migraines and I am going to be seeing a specialist soon because I am starting to worry.

Ethan I love you so very much and I know you are playing a BIG part in these latest decisions.

Well back to packing:(