It's been awhile sweet baby...

I feel so bad, yesterday was your 8 months in Heaven and I almost forgot it...I have been so busy with your older brothers, school, work and me not feeling good.I know that is not a good excuse AT ALL.I really miss you Ethan and this Christmas is going to be especially hard, because you are not here.

I have started to attend an online school so that I can better my education and get an actual degree! I also got a part-time job at Target!(it's only seasonal, but hey after not working 6 years I am really happy!) Your older brothers are doing good, Connor hasn't had a seizure since Halloween and I am really hoping for no more! He turns 3 on the 22nd! Then it's preschool time for him!

I don't know what we are going to do for your 1 year angelversary, which is in March..it's really hard to think of that right now.

I promise to be here more often, I love and miss you Ethan!

Angry.

Today started out fairly good...got Charles off to school, me and Connor went to get rent paid and to go to walmart.

Then I logged on my Facebook to find out that a very good friend of mines daughter passed away in her sleep.She was only 3 months old. Same heart condition as you, Ethan. And that made mommy mad at GOD. Why do you ask that I am mad? Well lets see..HE gives us beautiful babies only to take them away..IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!! My heart breaks for her and family. Because I know to well what it's like losing a sweet gift from GOD. Ethan I am pretty sure you were right there to guide her up to GOD. Along with the other precious *heart* babies we have lost. I am sure you all gave her sweet loving care the entire way.

While I am happy she isn't hurting anymore I am VERY upset and VERY mad that GOD has to take you sweethearts away. I just don't get it.


Everyday I ask HIM why HE took you...but I never get an answer...maybe I never will. But rest assured I will see you again someday..and sweetie I will NEVER let go!!

Love Mama



*** Fly high sweet Brookie Cookie..I am sad that we never met but I am sure we will meet too! <3 <3 <3***

6 bittersweet months

Yesterday was your 6 month birthday....half a year old. I feel like time has slipped by so very slowly cause it feels just like yesterday that you were born. I am back on medication...taking myself off them too soon was a big mistake. And then this week I have a sinus infection.Great. I started my photography, Ethan you would love my work. I am thinking of taking some of the pictures I have of you and editing them...that way I can see your sweet face everyday. I have your Urn out and I stop by it everyday and tell you I miss you so much..I hope you can hear me in Heaven cause I would give anything in the world to see you right now.

Slowly getting everything done in the house...finally moved our bed into the room..took us forever!

Your older brothers are doing good as well! I feel as if you are with them everyday as well!

Well for now..I am gonna go..it's almost time for bed. I miss you LOTS!

Turn back time.

Oh Ethan I wish I could turn back the clock and be able to hold you in my arms again. Everyday that I want you to be here and be healthy and then I realize you aren't here and you weren't born healthy. You were born with a serious heart condition among other things. Mommy wishes you could have had a decent chance at life. Everytime I hear about a CHD lil one losing his/ her life and gaining there wings I believe you are right there accepting them in Heaven.Found out today my little sister (your aunt Jessica) is having a girl!! I am soo happy for her Jake and Tyler! Oh and we got two precious cats today!!!! Spook and Peanut. I think you would LOVE them.Well sweetheart I am going to go for now....I hope to dream about your beautiful face tonight. <3 mommy.

5 months

Today you would have been 5 months...five long months without you sweetheart is very sad to mommy. I think everyday what you would be doing if you had been given the chance to LIVE. I am going to be posting the video grandpa made for you at your Viewing. I just wish that you were here and in my arms everyday. I wish alot of things...that you were born healthy, that didn't happen. That you had gone through the first surgery, that didn't happen either. But I know you are up there playing and are very healthy. I had a sweet dream of you last night, but it seemed so very real that I woke up and searched all through the house and couldn't find you. The realization that you are gone gets so much harder as time goes by. I miss you baby boy and pretty soon I am getting that dream catcher on my arm so that I have sweet sweet dreams of you every night! I love you sweet baby!

Missing you

So we moved into our new place and I will tell you it's been hectic getting everything organized and getting stuff for the house that I haven't stopped and written to you Ethan. Mommy and daddy made it official, we are now a couple! We hope to make this work...I am thinking you had a hand in that! I am thinking my next tattoo is going to be a dream catcher..because I always see you in my dreams..you are so healthy and peacefull. I can't wait for the day we see you again. Your older brother Charles starts 5th grade on Tuesday at his new school he is very excited!! Connor is to young for head start so we are probably going to put him in daycare a few days a week so mommy and daddy can work. Well I need to get to bed just thought I would update. Miss you sooooooooo much lil guy!

Blog Updates

I have been such the busy bee that I haven't updated my blogs as much.

It's been four long months since I welcomed the sweetest baby and lost him 11 days later...I miss him very much and with me moving to a new state and getting settled in I constantly think of my sweet Ethan and wish he was here to see our new place, but I know for sure he can see it in heaven...so many thoughts rush my head that I am starting to lose my thoughts.

Connor had another seizure and I was told that every time he spikes a fever or gets to hot he will most likely have another seizure....which scares me. I just want my two boys to be completely healthy, but with Charles medical issues and now Connor with his seizures I wonder why I have been given the short stick.

Then I remember that my kids are a blessing and I would NEVER change anything!

I have to go for now I need to get some sleep....cause tomorrow I am unpacking more things.

Bittersweet

So I am packing my house and I came across an ultrasoud of Ethan at 16 weeks gestation...before we knew about the heart defect...before we knew we were having another boy...I started crying because I knew at that point in the pregnancy that he was going to be the last...and now, I totally regret having my tubes tied..because I loved every ultrasound...even after we found out what he had...because I got to see this little tiny person moving around and kicking and most of all seeing and hearing the heartbeat.

Ethan, mommy is so very sorry you had to hurt to live and I wish I could have made it all better so you didn't have to hurt the 11 days you were here on this earth.

I am relieved that you are up in heaven and are there to greet all the little precious babies who have lost the fight against CHD'S. I really miss and love you and know that I will see you again someday.

New Beginings.

Moving to Illinois!

Yep it's true we are moving to Illinois and making a fresh new start.I will miss my family but this has been a decision that has been waiting to be made.

Bruce is there right now getting ready to come down and get us when the time comes
( he found work there and lets just say that finally we will be able to provide the for the boys a lot better now.)

My birthday was kinda sucky cause I have been getting these migraines and I am going to be seeing a specialist soon because I am starting to worry.

Ethan I love you so very much and I know you are playing a BIG part in these latest decisions.

Well back to packing:(

I've seen better days...

For some reason I have been avoiding posting here.

Today I went and got my boys initials tattooed on my arm..I plan on getting a half sleeve..my next tattoo is going to be a heart with wings for Ethan..and I am not sure what I am getting after that.

I have not been sleeping lately so my doctor gave me a sleeping medication and let me tell you it knocks me out!

I think of my Ethan every single day and wish he was here.

Tomorrow I am going to get my leg checked out because my ankle ( my bad one) has been popping out of socket.

June 1st me and Charles are going to Kennywood with his class...can't wait!

Sometime next week me and Connor are going to do something fun....that way I have equal fun days with my boys.

Well thats it for now...

I <3 you Ethan

Two Months

Ethan would have been two months old today.

My day has been pretty long...in fact this has been a long two months for me. What made my day was hearing my little sister has another baby on the way!! She is due December 8th I can't be more happier for her!

She was a little hesitant about telling me because of everything that has been going on...but I am happy to be hearing it from her!

Baby Ethan I am positive you are watching over her!!! I <3 you so much!

Congrats to Jessica and Jake and Tyler!!!!

Bringing Ethan home.

Today I finally got the call that Ethan's remains were ready to be picked up. It was so nice to finally bring him home even though I wanted it to be a different home coming, I wanted him to still be alive. I know this makes me selfish but I just wanted things to work out.

I had made arrangements to put his remains in a candle urn and to also have them in a necklace....I think I made the right choice because they both are very beautiful.

I hope that this is going to help me in this grieving process...things have been really good so far...except for the sleeping.

Here's hoping for a good nights sleep.

Time is going by so fast.

I hate that time goes so fast.

I hate that everyday I think about why I didn't get another opinion for Ethan...and that I had to let him go so fast.

I wait everyday for a phone call telling me my son's remains are ready to be picked up...and when that call doesn't come...I cry. Because I want Ethan near me right now.

Today me and Bruce went out and did some shopping and spent time together...just us.We haven't done that in forever.

For the past few days Connor has been with nana and we have Charles..we have been spending quality time with him and we even planted some flowers.

I am hoping that tomorrow we can go and pick up Ethan's remains so that I can feel somewhat at peace.

The antidepressants are doing the job...but slowly I sometimes find myself in a fog...and I don't like it at all.

Well til next time.

mommy misses you Ethan and I love you very much <3

I miss my baby boy...

When does the hurt stop? I wish you were here Ethan....cause I want you here .
I feel you with me everyday but I wish you were really here.
I ask myself everyday what would have happened if you had the surgery.


Your brothers are doing good ....thank goodness you're watching over them too.
daddy misses you as much as I do and we can't wait until we meet you in heaven.

Love you and miss you every day.

Love mommy

My sweet boy

I miss you alot these days and I feel like giving up sometimes...I wish you were still here in my arms.
We have been spending alot of time with grandpap and Denise...we are going back next weekend to go to
A baseball game you're older brothers are so excited
Well until next time I love and miss you Ethan
Love mommy

I feel so helpless

I have been lost in this grieving process that I haven't been there for my older boys...

Connor scared me to death on Thursday when he had a febrile seizure in front of me.
(he has been sick with what I thought was a cold...he had an upper respitory infection plus an ear infection...he was running high fevers as well...the doctors said the fevers most likely caused the seizure.)

That woke me from the fog I was in....I felt so guilty that I couldn't even think what was happening to my boy...for that I will never forgive myself.

Tomorrow Ethan would have been a month old....I wonder how things would have been if I had gotten the second opinion.

I will try to blog more often..but for now I am going to be spending quality time with my family.

It's getting really hard...

I can't sleep, cause every time I close my eyes I see Ethan.

I know he is well taken care of now but I miss him so much and want him here with me.

Trying to get thru each day is hard. I want to sleep all the time but I have other obligations.

I wish that I had gotten the other second opinion....it might have given Ethan more time. But then that's more time he would have suffered and I feel so guilty for thinking that.

I really need someone that can reassure me that eventually it does get better.

For now, I really miss my Ethan :(

Letter to my Ethan

I had decided to rename this blog after Ethan passed away.

I really miss Ethan so very bad and wish he was still here...he would have been 21 days old...

I will try to blog on here as much as I can...maybe it will help me thru this greiving process..

Ethan's Shadowbox/Update

I had gotten a really inspiring idea from a friend of mine to start a shadowbox for Ethan...so far we haven't found the box we are looking for..hopefully will find one tomorrow..I did however get a few things to decorate his box..I even decorated the picture page I want in the box...or maybe in his scrapbook...not quite sure yet..and it's not complete yet I have a few more items I want to add. (you can view pics on my FB)

I got to give him a bath!! You have no idea how that made me feel! It was awesome getting to wash him and he smelled so very good afterwards. There were pictures taken and even a video which I will be posting on Facebook here in a little while.

I am still jumbling everything and I just really want my baby to be able to live...it's just really hard to have to make any kind of decision right now.


My heart is breaking everyday as I think he won't have a first anything...I just can't handle it.

I want to thank everyone for supporting me right now.

3/25/2011 Photoshoot and Hand/Foot Print model

Today was a very sweet day.

Audio/Visual came in and took some very beautiful pictures of Ethan and part of my family...Monday they will be back to do some more pictures of him with my mom, my sister and Ethan's dad.

A little later in the day the Haslinger Pediatric Palliative Care Center came and did hand and foot print models of Ethan's feet and hands...we got the models back a little bit ago and they are very precious! (to view prints of the photo shoot and the models visit my FB page. If we aren't friends go ahead and add me.)

I am very thankful to have a wonderful support team near me in this time..

I haven't made any decisions yet as it's still all jumbled/being processed.

I just want a little more time with my baby, before I have to let him go.

Again thank you to everyone who has sent me messages and comments I appreciate them very much.