I feel so helpless

I have been lost in this grieving process that I haven't been there for my older boys...

Connor scared me to death on Thursday when he had a febrile seizure in front of me.
(he has been sick with what I thought was a cold...he had an upper respitory infection plus an ear infection...he was running high fevers as well...the doctors said the fevers most likely caused the seizure.)

That woke me from the fog I was in....I felt so guilty that I couldn't even think what was happening to my boy...for that I will never forgive myself.

Tomorrow Ethan would have been a month old....I wonder how things would have been if I had gotten the second opinion.

I will try to blog more often..but for now I am going to be spending quality time with my family.

It's getting really hard...

I can't sleep, cause every time I close my eyes I see Ethan.

I know he is well taken care of now but I miss him so much and want him here with me.

Trying to get thru each day is hard. I want to sleep all the time but I have other obligations.

I wish that I had gotten the other second opinion....it might have given Ethan more time. But then that's more time he would have suffered and I feel so guilty for thinking that.

I really need someone that can reassure me that eventually it does get better.

For now, I really miss my Ethan :(

Letter to my Ethan

I had decided to rename this blog after Ethan passed away.

I really miss Ethan so very bad and wish he was still here...he would have been 21 days old...

I will try to blog on here as much as I can...maybe it will help me thru this greiving process..