I've seen better days...

For some reason I have been avoiding posting here.

Today I went and got my boys initials tattooed on my arm..I plan on getting a half sleeve..my next tattoo is going to be a heart with wings for Ethan..and I am not sure what I am getting after that.

I have not been sleeping lately so my doctor gave me a sleeping medication and let me tell you it knocks me out!

I think of my Ethan every single day and wish he was here.

Tomorrow I am going to get my leg checked out because my ankle ( my bad one) has been popping out of socket.

June 1st me and Charles are going to Kennywood with his class...can't wait!

Sometime next week me and Connor are going to do something fun....that way I have equal fun days with my boys.

Well thats it for now...

I <3 you Ethan

Two Months

Ethan would have been two months old today.

My day has been pretty long...in fact this has been a long two months for me. What made my day was hearing my little sister has another baby on the way!! She is due December 8th I can't be more happier for her!

She was a little hesitant about telling me because of everything that has been going on...but I am happy to be hearing it from her!

Baby Ethan I am positive you are watching over her!!! I <3 you so much!

Congrats to Jessica and Jake and Tyler!!!!

Bringing Ethan home.

Today I finally got the call that Ethan's remains were ready to be picked up. It was so nice to finally bring him home even though I wanted it to be a different home coming, I wanted him to still be alive. I know this makes me selfish but I just wanted things to work out.

I had made arrangements to put his remains in a candle urn and to also have them in a necklace....I think I made the right choice because they both are very beautiful.

I hope that this is going to help me in this grieving process...things have been really good so far...except for the sleeping.

Here's hoping for a good nights sleep.

Time is going by so fast.

I hate that time goes so fast.

I hate that everyday I think about why I didn't get another opinion for Ethan...and that I had to let him go so fast.

I wait everyday for a phone call telling me my son's remains are ready to be picked up...and when that call doesn't come...I cry. Because I want Ethan near me right now.

Today me and Bruce went out and did some shopping and spent time together...just us.We haven't done that in forever.

For the past few days Connor has been with nana and we have Charles..we have been spending quality time with him and we even planted some flowers.

I am hoping that tomorrow we can go and pick up Ethan's remains so that I can feel somewhat at peace.

The antidepressants are doing the job...but slowly I sometimes find myself in a fog...and I don't like it at all.

Well til next time.

mommy misses you Ethan and I love you very much <3

I miss my baby boy...

When does the hurt stop? I wish you were here Ethan....cause I want you here .
I feel you with me everyday but I wish you were really here.
I ask myself everyday what would have happened if you had the surgery.


Your brothers are doing good ....thank goodness you're watching over them too.
daddy misses you as much as I do and we can't wait until we meet you in heaven.

Love you and miss you every day.

Love mommy

My sweet boy

I miss you alot these days and I feel like giving up sometimes...I wish you were still here in my arms.
We have been spending alot of time with grandpap and Denise...we are going back next weekend to go to
A baseball game you're older brothers are so excited
Well until next time I love and miss you Ethan
Love mommy