It's been awhile sweet baby...

I feel so bad, yesterday was your 8 months in Heaven and I almost forgot it...I have been so busy with your older brothers, school, work and me not feeling good.I know that is not a good excuse AT ALL.I really miss you Ethan and this Christmas is going to be especially hard, because you are not here.

I have started to attend an online school so that I can better my education and get an actual degree! I also got a part-time job at Target!(it's only seasonal, but hey after not working 6 years I am really happy!) Your older brothers are doing good, Connor hasn't had a seizure since Halloween and I am really hoping for no more! He turns 3 on the 22nd! Then it's preschool time for him!

I don't know what we are going to do for your 1 year angelversary, which is in March..it's really hard to think of that right now.

I promise to be here more often, I love and miss you Ethan!

Angry.

Today started out fairly good...got Charles off to school, me and Connor went to get rent paid and to go to walmart.

Then I logged on my Facebook to find out that a very good friend of mines daughter passed away in her sleep.She was only 3 months old. Same heart condition as you, Ethan. And that made mommy mad at GOD. Why do you ask that I am mad? Well lets see..HE gives us beautiful babies only to take them away..IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!! My heart breaks for her and family. Because I know to well what it's like losing a sweet gift from GOD. Ethan I am pretty sure you were right there to guide her up to GOD. Along with the other precious *heart* babies we have lost. I am sure you all gave her sweet loving care the entire way.

While I am happy she isn't hurting anymore I am VERY upset and VERY mad that GOD has to take you sweethearts away. I just don't get it.


Everyday I ask HIM why HE took you...but I never get an answer...maybe I never will. But rest assured I will see you again someday..and sweetie I will NEVER let go!!

Love Mama



*** Fly high sweet Brookie Cookie..I am sad that we never met but I am sure we will meet too! <3 <3 <3***

6 bittersweet months

Yesterday was your 6 month birthday....half a year old. I feel like time has slipped by so very slowly cause it feels just like yesterday that you were born. I am back on medication...taking myself off them too soon was a big mistake. And then this week I have a sinus infection.Great. I started my photography, Ethan you would love my work. I am thinking of taking some of the pictures I have of you and editing them...that way I can see your sweet face everyday. I have your Urn out and I stop by it everyday and tell you I miss you so much..I hope you can hear me in Heaven cause I would give anything in the world to see you right now.

Slowly getting everything done in the house...finally moved our bed into the room..took us forever!

Your older brothers are doing good as well! I feel as if you are with them everyday as well!

Well for now..I am gonna go..it's almost time for bed. I miss you LOTS!

Turn back time.

Oh Ethan I wish I could turn back the clock and be able to hold you in my arms again. Everyday that I want you to be here and be healthy and then I realize you aren't here and you weren't born healthy. You were born with a serious heart condition among other things. Mommy wishes you could have had a decent chance at life. Everytime I hear about a CHD lil one losing his/ her life and gaining there wings I believe you are right there accepting them in Heaven.Found out today my little sister (your aunt Jessica) is having a girl!! I am soo happy for her Jake and Tyler! Oh and we got two precious cats today!!!! Spook and Peanut. I think you would LOVE them.Well sweetheart I am going to go for now....I hope to dream about your beautiful face tonight. <3 mommy.

5 months

Today you would have been 5 months...five long months without you sweetheart is very sad to mommy. I think everyday what you would be doing if you had been given the chance to LIVE. I am going to be posting the video grandpa made for you at your Viewing. I just wish that you were here and in my arms everyday. I wish alot of things...that you were born healthy, that didn't happen. That you had gone through the first surgery, that didn't happen either. But I know you are up there playing and are very healthy. I had a sweet dream of you last night, but it seemed so very real that I woke up and searched all through the house and couldn't find you. The realization that you are gone gets so much harder as time goes by. I miss you baby boy and pretty soon I am getting that dream catcher on my arm so that I have sweet sweet dreams of you every night! I love you sweet baby!

Missing you

So we moved into our new place and I will tell you it's been hectic getting everything organized and getting stuff for the house that I haven't stopped and written to you Ethan. Mommy and daddy made it official, we are now a couple! We hope to make this work...I am thinking you had a hand in that! I am thinking my next tattoo is going to be a dream catcher..because I always see you in my dreams..you are so healthy and peacefull. I can't wait for the day we see you again. Your older brother Charles starts 5th grade on Tuesday at his new school he is very excited!! Connor is to young for head start so we are probably going to put him in daycare a few days a week so mommy and daddy can work. Well I need to get to bed just thought I would update. Miss you sooooooooo much lil guy!

Blog Updates

I have been such the busy bee that I haven't updated my blogs as much.

It's been four long months since I welcomed the sweetest baby and lost him 11 days later...I miss him very much and with me moving to a new state and getting settled in I constantly think of my sweet Ethan and wish he was here to see our new place, but I know for sure he can see it in heaven...so many thoughts rush my head that I am starting to lose my thoughts.

Connor had another seizure and I was told that every time he spikes a fever or gets to hot he will most likely have another seizure....which scares me. I just want my two boys to be completely healthy, but with Charles medical issues and now Connor with his seizures I wonder why I have been given the short stick.

Then I remember that my kids are a blessing and I would NEVER change anything!

I have to go for now I need to get some sleep....cause tomorrow I am unpacking more things.

Bittersweet

So I am packing my house and I came across an ultrasoud of Ethan at 16 weeks gestation...before we knew about the heart defect...before we knew we were having another boy...I started crying because I knew at that point in the pregnancy that he was going to be the last...and now, I totally regret having my tubes tied..because I loved every ultrasound...even after we found out what he had...because I got to see this little tiny person moving around and kicking and most of all seeing and hearing the heartbeat.

Ethan, mommy is so very sorry you had to hurt to live and I wish I could have made it all better so you didn't have to hurt the 11 days you were here on this earth.

I am relieved that you are up in heaven and are there to greet all the little precious babies who have lost the fight against CHD'S. I really miss and love you and know that I will see you again someday.

New Beginings.

Moving to Illinois!

Yep it's true we are moving to Illinois and making a fresh new start.I will miss my family but this has been a decision that has been waiting to be made.

Bruce is there right now getting ready to come down and get us when the time comes
( he found work there and lets just say that finally we will be able to provide the for the boys a lot better now.)

My birthday was kinda sucky cause I have been getting these migraines and I am going to be seeing a specialist soon because I am starting to worry.

Ethan I love you so very much and I know you are playing a BIG part in these latest decisions.

Well back to packing:(

I've seen better days...

For some reason I have been avoiding posting here.

Today I went and got my boys initials tattooed on my arm..I plan on getting a half sleeve..my next tattoo is going to be a heart with wings for Ethan..and I am not sure what I am getting after that.

I have not been sleeping lately so my doctor gave me a sleeping medication and let me tell you it knocks me out!

I think of my Ethan every single day and wish he was here.

Tomorrow I am going to get my leg checked out because my ankle ( my bad one) has been popping out of socket.

June 1st me and Charles are going to Kennywood with his class...can't wait!

Sometime next week me and Connor are going to do something fun....that way I have equal fun days with my boys.

Well thats it for now...

I <3 you Ethan

Two Months

Ethan would have been two months old today.

My day has been pretty long...in fact this has been a long two months for me. What made my day was hearing my little sister has another baby on the way!! She is due December 8th I can't be more happier for her!

She was a little hesitant about telling me because of everything that has been going on...but I am happy to be hearing it from her!

Baby Ethan I am positive you are watching over her!!! I <3 you so much!

Congrats to Jessica and Jake and Tyler!!!!

Bringing Ethan home.

Today I finally got the call that Ethan's remains were ready to be picked up. It was so nice to finally bring him home even though I wanted it to be a different home coming, I wanted him to still be alive. I know this makes me selfish but I just wanted things to work out.

I had made arrangements to put his remains in a candle urn and to also have them in a necklace....I think I made the right choice because they both are very beautiful.

I hope that this is going to help me in this grieving process...things have been really good so far...except for the sleeping.

Here's hoping for a good nights sleep.

Time is going by so fast.

I hate that time goes so fast.

I hate that everyday I think about why I didn't get another opinion for Ethan...and that I had to let him go so fast.

I wait everyday for a phone call telling me my son's remains are ready to be picked up...and when that call doesn't come...I cry. Because I want Ethan near me right now.

Today me and Bruce went out and did some shopping and spent time together...just us.We haven't done that in forever.

For the past few days Connor has been with nana and we have Charles..we have been spending quality time with him and we even planted some flowers.

I am hoping that tomorrow we can go and pick up Ethan's remains so that I can feel somewhat at peace.

The antidepressants are doing the job...but slowly I sometimes find myself in a fog...and I don't like it at all.

Well til next time.

mommy misses you Ethan and I love you very much <3

I miss my baby boy...

When does the hurt stop? I wish you were here Ethan....cause I want you here .
I feel you with me everyday but I wish you were really here.
I ask myself everyday what would have happened if you had the surgery.


Your brothers are doing good ....thank goodness you're watching over them too.
daddy misses you as much as I do and we can't wait until we meet you in heaven.

Love you and miss you every day.

Love mommy

My sweet boy

I miss you alot these days and I feel like giving up sometimes...I wish you were still here in my arms.
We have been spending alot of time with grandpap and Denise...we are going back next weekend to go to
A baseball game you're older brothers are so excited
Well until next time I love and miss you Ethan
Love mommy

I feel so helpless

I have been lost in this grieving process that I haven't been there for my older boys...

Connor scared me to death on Thursday when he had a febrile seizure in front of me.
(he has been sick with what I thought was a cold...he had an upper respitory infection plus an ear infection...he was running high fevers as well...the doctors said the fevers most likely caused the seizure.)

That woke me from the fog I was in....I felt so guilty that I couldn't even think what was happening to my boy...for that I will never forgive myself.

Tomorrow Ethan would have been a month old....I wonder how things would have been if I had gotten the second opinion.

I will try to blog more often..but for now I am going to be spending quality time with my family.

It's getting really hard...

I can't sleep, cause every time I close my eyes I see Ethan.

I know he is well taken care of now but I miss him so much and want him here with me.

Trying to get thru each day is hard. I want to sleep all the time but I have other obligations.

I wish that I had gotten the other second opinion....it might have given Ethan more time. But then that's more time he would have suffered and I feel so guilty for thinking that.

I really need someone that can reassure me that eventually it does get better.

For now, I really miss my Ethan :(

Letter to my Ethan

I had decided to rename this blog after Ethan passed away.

I really miss Ethan so very bad and wish he was still here...he would have been 21 days old...

I will try to blog on here as much as I can...maybe it will help me thru this greiving process..

Ethan's Shadowbox/Update

I had gotten a really inspiring idea from a friend of mine to start a shadowbox for Ethan...so far we haven't found the box we are looking for..hopefully will find one tomorrow..I did however get a few things to decorate his box..I even decorated the picture page I want in the box...or maybe in his scrapbook...not quite sure yet..and it's not complete yet I have a few more items I want to add. (you can view pics on my FB)

I got to give him a bath!! You have no idea how that made me feel! It was awesome getting to wash him and he smelled so very good afterwards. There were pictures taken and even a video which I will be posting on Facebook here in a little while.

I am still jumbling everything and I just really want my baby to be able to live...it's just really hard to have to make any kind of decision right now.


My heart is breaking everyday as I think he won't have a first anything...I just can't handle it.

I want to thank everyone for supporting me right now.

3/25/2011 Photoshoot and Hand/Foot Print model

Today was a very sweet day.

Audio/Visual came in and took some very beautiful pictures of Ethan and part of my family...Monday they will be back to do some more pictures of him with my mom, my sister and Ethan's dad.

A little later in the day the Haslinger Pediatric Palliative Care Center came and did hand and foot print models of Ethan's feet and hands...we got the models back a little bit ago and they are very precious! (to view prints of the photo shoot and the models visit my FB page. If we aren't friends go ahead and add me.)

I am very thankful to have a wonderful support team near me in this time..

I haven't made any decisions yet as it's still all jumbled/being processed.

I just want a little more time with my baby, before I have to let him go.

Again thank you to everyone who has sent me messages and comments I appreciate them very much.

The Meeting and Ethan

Well I had arrived at Children's a little before my scheduled meeting with the team of doctors taking care of Ethan.

3pm we go into the meeting and everyone introduced themselves and we started discussing Ethan's test results.

It turns out my sweet baby boy wont have a good quality of life with the surgeries so now I am faced with having to let him go.

I feel as if this is not fair....I brought the sweetest little boy into this world only to have to let him go way to soon.

I am trying not to break down in front of everyone but slowly I feel that slipping away...I just don't want to lose my sweet baby but I don't want to further his pain. That itself makes me feel really bad.

I want to thank everyone who has stood by my side in this whole ordeal.


I am not making any decisions yet, as I need just a little bit more time with my baby boy.
This has been such a very long day and the perk of it was getting to hold my sweet baby boy...Tomorrow the media team from Children's is going to take some pictures of Ethan and I.


Please keep me and my entire family in your thoughts and prayers through this difficult time.
Melissa

3/22

Today was good.

Went over to Akron Childrens pretty early and spent most of the day with Ethan. He is still holding his own and still tolerating my milk..

We are waiting on test results to come back so they can decide how to operate on Ethan...he is fragile so please keep him in your prayers every day and night.

I want to thank everyone for the well wishes and support it means the world to me and my family.

Tomorrow I will be with Ethan most of the day again so if you need me text or Facebook me.

Much love Melissa

My.Little.Fighter.


That is what Ethan is becoming.

Today I took over some breastmilk and he took it like a champ :) While I was there I just sat and admired my little boy. I started touching his hand and he held my finger for the longest time! (I have a pic on FB go check it out)

Tomorrow the whole team of doctors are going to meet and discuss what to do about Ethan having surgery.

I get discharged tomorrow and I can't wait to spend more time with my baby. I miss him already.

Went and saw Ethan today and let me tell you he is beautiful....fragile and a fighter! I got some pictures of him and got to talk with one of his many doctors


Since he needs a valve in his heart and they suspect SLO ( he has the small jaw and only one of his feet has the 2 toes webbed) they are trying to figure out what surgery will be best for Ethan.

He is still on the vent and his numbers are good...right where they need to be.

I will be going back to see him tomorrow...and Monday afternoon. I am being discharged on Monday.

I will be at The Ronald Mcdonald House until we can bring Ethan home.

Well after 9 months (4 of which were a roller coaster of emotions) Ethan David arrived at 9:27 am via c-section. Weighing in at 6 pounds 11 ounces and 20 inches long. He has strawberry blonde hair and very handsome.

This is what I know so far..he is on a vent to stablize his breathing and is completely sedated.

He does have SLO (which is what his older brother Charles has...even though we didn't see any indication via u/s and I didn't want an amnio there was still a 25% chance he would have it.)

He has a cleft in his mouth but not the cleft lip.

and now for his heart...at 20 weeks gestation I was informed he has Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. They did an echo on him shortly after getting to Akron Childrens and found that he is missing a valve in his heart..so they are evaluating on how to treat that. I called about 20 minutes ago and he is stable so far which is good.

I am waiting on the doctors to come and tell me everything that is going on, but I figured I would give a short update. Tomorrow they are gonna get me out of bed and I am going to try to see my baby.

This is an emotional time for me and I thank everyone for being there. I have my cell so any text/calls would be awesome.

Melissa

**will update after I talk with Ethan's doctors.**

Akron.

Got to Akron about noon and since we had some time to spare we checked into The Ronald Mcdonald House...let me tell you this place is awesome. Awesome staff and volunteers. Went to my appt and got my last u/s and non stress test. Everything is good they are estimating 6 pounds 5 ounces but I think we are leaning more towards 7 pounds...cause he is just a bit bigger than Connor was right before I had him @ 37 weeks and his weight was 6 11. Since we are literally right next to Akron Childrens it's really difficult to sleep with the heli copter landing like every hour or so...

We are going to be at Akron General @ 7am so I will have my phone on til it's time to go back...then it's gonna be in airplane mode...so my sis can take pics of Ethan when he comes.


Heres hoping for a safe delivery and a beautiful St Patty's Day baby :)

**will update blog/FB when I can..everyone have a good day tomorrow**

39 weeks...Akron tomorrow!

39 weeks! Wow where did the time go? I am all packed and ready to go out to Akron tomorrow where I will have my last OB appointment and stay the night at The Ronald McDonald House in Akron (which is right next to Akron Childrens and one block from Akron General,which is where I am delivering) At 7am on Thursday I will be heading in to Labor and Delivery and getting prepped to have my c-section at 9am. I am so very very nervous! I will make sure that the world will know when Mr.Ethan arrives and all his stats. Well if I don't get the chance to say it on FB Happy St Patty's Day!

Four more days!!!!!!

AHHHH I can't believe Ethan is almost here!

Last week I had some contractions that made me think he was gonna be here earlier than planned but I guess not...they just haven't been strong enough for me to want to go in.

The other day I recieved a very nice care package from Sisters By Heart and I love love love it! It included two very cute teddy bears for my older two boys and some nice things for the baby and me when we go to the hospital.

Wednesday me, my mom and sister are going to Akron and staying the night at The Ronald McDonald house there so that we don't have to be up as early on Thursday ( I have to be at Labor and Delivery at 7 am)

I am so excited to finally meet Ethan and nervous at the same time...I hope I get to see him before they whisk him to Akron Children's.

I will be posting lots of pictures on my Facebook page so get ready!!

38 weeks and counting

38 weeks ahhhhh.....

Well my 38th week started with contractions! Been having them ever since but nothing strong enough to go to Labor and Delivery. I am hoping to wait until the 17th but I am not so sure we will make it..if we do thank god because thats an extra week Ethan is gonna grow grow grow.

I am getting more and more anxious about the delivery. Since my last baby was an unplanned c-section and I have this one planned it scares me a little because I am hoping to be awake as they had to knock me out the last time due to them not being able to put the epidurel in.

Ethan dropped!! Finally no more butt dances...BUT now there is pelvic head dances...yay.

on my facebook I added new pics of my baby bump....go check em out.

Here's hoping we make it to 3-17-2011

If not Happy St. Patty's Day to everyone :)

10 more days...No sleep for me

As I sit here at the computer at 2:50 am I think to myself that in 10 days I get to meet Ethan....while most parents would be super excited I am trying to be...don't get me wrong I can't wait to meet him....it's just that I wish it was under better circumstances...If you haven't read by now, my son has HLHS (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome) A condition he has where the left side of his heart didn't form correctly and now he has to undergo three surgeries (maybe more) by the time he is 5 years old. While at first I wondered what I did wrong....did I not take the right vitamins did I not get in soon enough to the doctors. I was told that nothing I did caused this...that there are so many babies being born with this condition...who are happy and healthy due to the surgeries.


SURGERY......

That is one scary word to process...

I can't help but feel scared that he might not make it through, or that he will make it through but have many complications.

I am hoping to spend some time with him BEFORE they do surgery...we will see as I am having a C-Section.


MY BOYS.

I have two older boys Charles who is 9 years old and Connor who is 2 years old....I really hate the fact that I wont be around as much until we can bring Ethan home...I am scared they will be mad at me. I am hoping that with the support of my family they can help my older boys cope with me not being around full time.

I am going to try to post as much as possiblein the next 10 days ( and beyond)


Til then....I need sleep!!!

37 weeks...two weeks left.

Two weeks.........wow I can't get over how I am already almost done with this pregnancy. The date and time are scheduled for Ethan's arrival. March 17th 2011 at 9am as each day approaches I get more and more nervous...is he gonna be okay? Will he require the surgery right away or will he wait the 5-7 days they want to wait? So many questions....at last measurements (35 weeks) he was weighing in a little over 5 pounds...which is good growth. I am so very ready to meet him but scared at the same time. I am hoping I will have the strength that I have had this entire pregnancy. I am going to not like not being around my two older boys but I have a great support team who will help us through all this. I will try to update more when I can.

35 weeks

On Tuesday I will be 35 weeks....I can't believe how time has literally flown by since I found out Ethan has HLHS. My C-Section has been scheduled for 3-17 and I need to do so much before he gets here and I feel there are not enough hours in the day to get them done. My sister and mom moved into Campbell and I am so happy they are closer to me and the boys!

I am hoping that they can wait the two weeks they are wanting to wait before Ethan has his first surgery....yikes I can't believe that my sweet baby has to have open heart surgery..just the thought scares me so bad...but thankfully I have a really awesome support team. The next 4 weeks are going to fly by...I hope quickly,cause heartburn and strong kicks and punches....they are getting the best of me!

3D pic

check out my FB profile for a 3D pic of Ethan..he is so handsome and I can't wait to meet him! look me up via email melissacatherine31@ymail.com see you there!

31 weeks..

I had a follow up at the doctors in Akron ( I go again next Wednesday..then get a two week break then back again) I found out I have Placenta Previa( the plan was to have a c-section regardless but this complicates the pregnancy even more) we discussed that at about 39 weeks they will schedule a c-section and I will get to meet Ethan (I am also getting my tubes tied as I am not going to have any more children...not trying to sound mean but 3 boys one with a heart problem will be enough) I will meet with the surgeons next month as my already frazzled brain forgot to meet this this last time! Now that I am about 8 weeks away from meeting Ethan I am starting to get more nervous....will he need surgery right away or in two weeks like the docs are hoping. It's really good to know that I have an awesome support team. I am going to get my kiddos ready for bed then blog some more...just figured that this one was okay for now.
Melissa

30 weeks and Ethan's birthing plan.

Went to Akron today to see the Maternal/Fetal and The Heart Center..got to see Ethan he weighs about 3pounds 4 ounces....and overall is doing okay. I get to the Heart center and they scared me half to death telling me they couldnt find the one vein they were looking for(they ended up finding it) more update to come soon...