Blog Updates

I have been such the busy bee that I haven't updated my blogs as much.

It's been four long months since I welcomed the sweetest baby and lost him 11 days later...I miss him very much and with me moving to a new state and getting settled in I constantly think of my sweet Ethan and wish he was here to see our new place, but I know for sure he can see it in heaven...so many thoughts rush my head that I am starting to lose my thoughts.

Connor had another seizure and I was told that every time he spikes a fever or gets to hot he will most likely have another seizure....which scares me. I just want my two boys to be completely healthy, but with Charles medical issues and now Connor with his seizures I wonder why I have been given the short stick.

Then I remember that my kids are a blessing and I would NEVER change anything!

I have to go for now I need to get some sleep....cause tomorrow I am unpacking more things.

Bittersweet

So I am packing my house and I came across an ultrasoud of Ethan at 16 weeks gestation...before we knew about the heart defect...before we knew we were having another boy...I started crying because I knew at that point in the pregnancy that he was going to be the last...and now, I totally regret having my tubes tied..because I loved every ultrasound...even after we found out what he had...because I got to see this little tiny person moving around and kicking and most of all seeing and hearing the heartbeat.

Ethan, mommy is so very sorry you had to hurt to live and I wish I could have made it all better so you didn't have to hurt the 11 days you were here on this earth.

I am relieved that you are up in heaven and are there to greet all the little precious babies who have lost the fight against CHD'S. I really miss and love you and know that I will see you again someday.

New Beginings.

Moving to Illinois!

Yep it's true we are moving to Illinois and making a fresh new start.I will miss my family but this has been a decision that has been waiting to be made.

Bruce is there right now getting ready to come down and get us when the time comes
( he found work there and lets just say that finally we will be able to provide the for the boys a lot better now.)

My birthday was kinda sucky cause I have been getting these migraines and I am going to be seeing a specialist soon because I am starting to worry.

Ethan I love you so very much and I know you are playing a BIG part in these latest decisions.

Well back to packing:(

I've seen better days...

For some reason I have been avoiding posting here.

Today I went and got my boys initials tattooed on my arm..I plan on getting a half sleeve..my next tattoo is going to be a heart with wings for Ethan..and I am not sure what I am getting after that.

I have not been sleeping lately so my doctor gave me a sleeping medication and let me tell you it knocks me out!

I think of my Ethan every single day and wish he was here.

Tomorrow I am going to get my leg checked out because my ankle ( my bad one) has been popping out of socket.

June 1st me and Charles are going to Kennywood with his class...can't wait!

Sometime next week me and Connor are going to do something fun....that way I have equal fun days with my boys.

Well thats it for now...

I <3 you Ethan

Two Months

Ethan would have been two months old today.

My day has been pretty long...in fact this has been a long two months for me. What made my day was hearing my little sister has another baby on the way!! She is due December 8th I can't be more happier for her!

She was a little hesitant about telling me because of everything that has been going on...but I am happy to be hearing it from her!

Baby Ethan I am positive you are watching over her!!! I <3 you so much!

Congrats to Jessica and Jake and Tyler!!!!

Bringing Ethan home.

Today I finally got the call that Ethan's remains were ready to be picked up. It was so nice to finally bring him home even though I wanted it to be a different home coming, I wanted him to still be alive. I know this makes me selfish but I just wanted things to work out.

I had made arrangements to put his remains in a candle urn and to also have them in a necklace....I think I made the right choice because they both are very beautiful.

I hope that this is going to help me in this grieving process...things have been really good so far...except for the sleeping.

Here's hoping for a good nights sleep.

Time is going by so fast.

I hate that time goes so fast.

I hate that everyday I think about why I didn't get another opinion for Ethan...and that I had to let him go so fast.

I wait everyday for a phone call telling me my son's remains are ready to be picked up...and when that call doesn't come...I cry. Because I want Ethan near me right now.

Today me and Bruce went out and did some shopping and spent time together...just us.We haven't done that in forever.

For the past few days Connor has been with nana and we have Charles..we have been spending quality time with him and we even planted some flowers.

I am hoping that tomorrow we can go and pick up Ethan's remains so that I can feel somewhat at peace.

The antidepressants are doing the job...but slowly I sometimes find myself in a fog...and I don't like it at all.

Well til next time.

mommy misses you Ethan and I love you very much <3